I've always been afraid that I'll end up in Stupid Heaven. It's the place in the afterlife where people who died stupidly go. There are two sections. The first is for people who really should have known better. The guy who heats his house when the power is out by running a generator in his garage with the door closed and asphyxiates. The idiot on the motorcycle driving 85 in a rainstorm without a helmet. Or the Darwin Award winners. If you've never heard of them take a look, these are serious imbeciles or at least wildly uninformed.
The other section is the one I fear for myself. It's accidentally dying stupidly. Going down into a flooded basement, turning on the light and sizzling to a nice pink inside. Sitting underneath the giant TV in a sports bar and hearing the sound of popping metal and then wearing the TV while again sizzling to a nice pink inside with the accompanying head wound. I always see the news headline or the CNN crawl in my head, "Woman Dies When Carriage Pony Attacks" Or dying ironically, which would almost be worse. Like the blind man who invented curbside markers to help the sight impaired who was killed crossing the street. "He developed Blind Signs to keep stuff like this from happening, and this is a hell of a way for the point to get across," said his wife. She's right.
Stupid Heaven is one of the things I fear.
1 comment:
Dahling,
Stupid Heaven indeed! I had exactly this fear yesterday as I was washing my beautiful and very sharp Cuisinart® carving knife, which was a parting gift from my most recent ex-husband.
The damn thing spun out of my hands, spiraling upward toward my heart (I dodged), then dropped to the floor, barely missing that major vein that runs through one’s leg. Or is it a major artery? I never know the difference. No matter.
I shuddered at the knife now lying harmlessly on the floor and imagined the virile, handsome investigators at the scene commenting that suicide by carving knife is an uncommon and messy way to die. (I believe in my imaginings, they also noted how young I still looked despite my advanced age and now bloodless corpse.)
In any case, I’m much more likely to end up in Stupid Hell.
Ever yours,
M Puce
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